Why Do I Keep Repeating the Same Relationship Patterns?
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship and thought, “How did I end up here again?”
Maybe the person is different and the circumstances are different, but somehow the relationship feels familiar. You might find yourself taking care of the other person's needs, struggling to say no, or worrying a lot about how the other person feels. Perhaps you find yourself trying very hard to make a relationship work, while losing touch with what you actually need.
Sometimes we can even find ourselves drawn to people who are emotionally unavailable, or in relationships where we feel that we have to work hard to feel valued, understood or secure.
When this happens, it can be very easy to ask ourselves:
“Why do I keep doing this? What's wrong with me?”
I think there can be another, more compassionate question:
“What is happening here, and how have I learned to be in relationships this way?”
Our relationship patterns often develop for a reason
We don't usually consciously choose the patterns we find ourselves repeating.
Over time, we learn things about relationships. We learn what feels safe, what feels difficult, what other people might expect from us and what we need to do to stay connected.
Perhaps you learned to keep the peace because conflict felt difficult. Maybe you became very good at noticing other people's moods and needs, while paying less attention to your own.
You may have learned that being helpful, understanding or easy-going helped relationships feel safer.
These ways of being can become so familiar that we don't necessarily notice them anymore. We may simply think:
“That's just how I am.”
But something that was helpful to us at one point in our lives may not always be helpful later.
That doesn't mean that there was something wrong with the way you learned to cope. It may simply mean that there are now other possibilities available to you.
Becoming aware of what is happening
One of the things I value about Gestalt therapy is its emphasis on awareness.
For me, this isn't about analysing yourself until you finally find the one explanation for why you behave the way you do.
It is about becoming curious about what is actually happening.
For example:
What happens inside me when someone is disappointed with me?
What do I notice when I want to say no?
What happens just before I agree to something I don't really want to do?
What am I worried might happen if I say what I really think or feel?
Do I notice myself becoming responsible for the other person's feelings?
What happens to my own needs when I become very focused on someone else's?
Sometimes these questions can help us notice something that has been happening automatically.
And when something becomes more visible, we may have a little more choice about what we do with it.
The past can matter, but so can what is happening now
Our previous experiences can be very important in understanding our relationships today. Sometimes it can be helpful to explore where a particular way of relating came from.
But Gestalt therapy also pays close attention to what is happening in the present moment.
For example, you might tell me:
“I always end up looking after everyone else.”
We could explore where you think this comes from. But we might also become curious about what is happening right now, as you are telling me this.
Perhaps you notice yourself worrying about whether I am okay.
Perhaps you realise that you have just apologised for taking up too much time.
Perhaps you tell me that everything is fine, even though something doesn't actually feel fine.
These moments can tell us something.
The pattern isn't only something that happened in the past.
It can also be happening now.
And noticing it together can create an opportunity to try something different.
The therapeutic relationship can become part of the work
This is one of the reasons why the relationship between therapist and client is so important to me.
I don't see my role as sitting outside your life, working out what your pattern is and then telling you how to change it.
Instead, we can become curious about what happens between us.
Maybe you notice that you are holding something back from me. Maybe something I say doesn't feel right. Maybe you become aware that you are worried about how I see you.
These moments don't necessarily need to be brushed aside. We can talk about them.
You might discover that you can disagree with someone and still remain connected.
You might experience what it is like to express a need without having to justify it.
You might find that you can say that something didn't feel okay for you without the relationship falling apart.
For me, these experiences can sometimes be just as important as understanding where a pattern originally came from.
You don't have to become a different person
When we talk about changing relationship patterns, it can sometimes sound as though we need to become more confident, more independent or less sensitive.
That's not how I see it.
I don't think therapy is about becoming someone who never needs reassurance, never feels guilty, never gets angry or never worries about what another person thinks.
We are human beings, and relationships will always affect us.
Instead, therapy can help us become more aware of ourselves within relationships.
What do I want?
What do I feel?
What do I need?
What happens when I move towards someone?
What happens when I pull away?
Where do I lose touch with myself?
And is it possible to stay connected to myself while also staying connected to another person?
For me, this is where change can begin.
Repeating a pattern doesn't mean you are destined to repeat it
A familiar relationship pattern can be difficult to change, particularly when it has been part of your life for a long time.
But awareness can create new possibilities.
Sometimes change begins with something quite small.
Noticing that you are about to say yes when you actually mean no.
Noticing the moment you start taking responsibility for someone else's feelings.
Noticing that you are becoming quiet because you are worried about being “too much.”
Noticing that you are trying very hard to be understood while losing touch with what you actually want.
You don't have to change everything at once.
Sometimes the first step is simply being able to notice what is happening while it is happening.
From there, we can begin to explore whether something different might be possible.
If this feels familiar
You don't need to arrive at therapy knowing exactly what your relationship pattern is or where it came from.
You might simply have a feeling that you keep ending up in similar situations, or that you are tired of losing yourself in relationships.
Gestalt therapy offers a space to slow down, become curious about your experience and explore how you relate to yourself and to others.
You don't need a diagnosis or a clear label to seek support.
If you'd like to explore whether therapy with me might be a good fit, you're very welcome to get in touch.
